personal development is just that - 'personal'

One person's 'shining light' is another's 'crock of shit' - Something I am finally learning to accept.  Reading this article today regarding women being apparently addicted to stress: http://www.uncoveredmagazine.co.uk/news/303-hooked-on-anxiety.html

It was actually the following bit that really rang true for me 'Experts say many women are ‘stress’ junkies and that they learn to please and multi-task at a young age'

Now I couldn't tell you the exact moment I began feeling this drive to please, fix and/or make better but I'm pretty certain I was under ten.  I have an early memory probably from when I was about 9: my Dad was ill in bed (looking back it was clear he had a hangover) and feeling it was up to me to take care of him I set about preparing him a meal (most definitely not what he wanted - I inherited my tendency to have monstrous vomiting hangovers from him) consisting of microwaved jacket potato (which I mashed for some reason) and beans.  Dad asked me to leave the plate on the floor and my cat Tiggy (RIP) ate some of it, the rest I'm assuming went in the bin, Dad unconvincingly told me he ate it and it was delicious.  Anyway, from an early age it is clear I have tended to assume responsibility/guilt for just about everything; other people's moods (I feel compelled to cheer them up), animal cruelty (I have been a veggie since I was fourteen although I know I'm a hypocrite for not being a vegan), this even  extends as far as upsetting events happening in the world; as I child I used to pray every night for all the starving children in Africa and when my Mum uttered those words 'think of all the Ethiopians!' when I struggled to eat my tea, it really got to me.  I stopped watching the news a few years ago because I just couldn't cope with the guilt I felt and it did nothing but bring my mood down with feelings of being hopeless, helpless and worthless.  I have discussed this with friends and with people I work with and have discovered I am not alone in these feelings of guilt and my decision to stop watching the news.  Others have criticised me for my decision telling me that I should be aware of everything that is happening in the world and even though I can understand why they think this it is a personal decision and if it works for me then I think that's okay.  I think I've lost my thread but I'll just keep typing and hope for the best.  Ah that's it, the point I was trying to make:

'If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad' (to quote Sheryl Crow) 
(the next line perhaps applies too but I'll leave that for another day and another rambling session)

Since I can remember I've usually been the one people come to with their troubles and I am almost always happy to help - see that, I associate being happy with helping people so it makes complete sense that when faced with a situation where no matter what I do I just cannot help someone/something (animals too) I feel sad, guilty and ashamed of my impotence in the situation even when it concerns factors which are completely beyond my control.  I have worked closely with people who suffer mental health issues for a good few years now and the way of being I just described is (I feel) a strong motivator in my work (I use the term 'work' loosely because what I do at work is pretty much what I've been doing my entire life).  Of course it has a downside and I do feel terrible when I run into hurdles with people and no matter how many times my colleagues tell me not to beat myself up, I still do.  I have learned to keep going though, 'where there's a will there's a way' and as the title of this states - personal development is personal and through this I am learning a good life lesson: to accept that what works for one person won't necessarily work for someone else.  I suppose in my job I am more objective because there are boundaries and processes that I am used to going through in order to explore and pinpoint what it is that an individual hopes for and how they might like to set about that.  So I guess my point is I am finally realising that all the energy I am using up trying to push elephants up the stairs and dragging horses to water is wasted (well actually it's not because it's taught me this lesson)  and I would be far better off saving it for dancing in the way that 5rhythms taught me.  Like my Dad told me not long ago 'you're practical in the way you think about things so you want to fix people'  People are not like kitchen drawers though they are responsible for themselves and all the glue, tacks and perseverance in the world are never going to change that.  

Two lines

There are two lines that is certain

I know where the first one is in relation to the notion of time

'from the moment you are born you are dying'

my mother told me as a young child

(no wonder I have pessimistic tendencies)

it is true in a sense though perhaps not the most sensible thing to say to someone at such an impressionable age.

Anyway, negativity aside - hidden under long forgotten toys in the bottom of the toy box in the house I still mythologise in waking life as well as dreams.  I haven't lived there for over twenty years but it seems some part of me never actually left.  I'm not getting to the point still, always meandering, forever losing my thread and lord knows where the needle is (hiding with the rats in amongst the bails?).  We are all going in the same direction just like Damien Hirst's dead shark in formaldehyde, all swimming towards that line, where we are in relation to the two lines remains a mystery, until we reach that second line.  Like undulating clusters of cells we are merely moving forward through time and space whether that be aimlessly drifting, racing along at high speed or in between.  Paths are followed, choices are made, some of us endlessly fight to control and some of us don't, we all experience things that are good and bad, each of us changes and grows in relation to all of this even if we don't realise or show it outwardly.  It is part of the human experience to think about that second line, and indeed what happens next, whether there is a third, a fourth, could it be infinite?  Like when you connect a camcorder to a television and film the screen.  Watching Being Human is reassuring - even though I know it is just a TV programme, I like the way they tackle the fundamental issues and kidding myself that it is right even though it is momentary and on a surface level makes me smile.  

Puff the magic dragon - growing up and coming down

I have almost always been an under achiever, sometimes I wonder if I actually gave it my all if I could truly excel at something?  Statistically I am pretty average but in reality I’ve never been quite 'average' enough to fit in – my undesirable colouring, clumsy gait, and tendency to daydream made any desire to do this practically impossible and the deeply sensitive nature - I just couldn't seem to hide - from an early age didn’t help matters.  I suppose that my craving to ‘fit in’ stemmed from the desire to be left alone more than anything, it’s not that I wanted to be just like everybody else at all in fact I think that even in my most tortured of times I was painfully aware that it is these so called 'differences' that made me who I was (and still am).  If you watch a toddler as they explore the world you can witness the sheer delight they take in just being and their complete lack of inhibition, this brings a little sadness to my heart because I know it is that lack of inhibition and awareness that enables us to truly be ourselves.  It is no surprise that so many of us turn to alcohol and other substances to help us forget ourselves and all our hang-ups, if you’ve ever gone out and stayed sober with a group of people who are getting drunk you will no doubt have noticed the striking similarity they have to small children at the end of the evening.  We cannot remain drunk or otherwise forever though just like every child must grow up at some point, adolescence is the biggest come-down and I'm not sure anyone ever truly gets over it - how many so called grown-ups told you 'your school days are the best days' and other similar things? (okay perhaps school days is not the best example but you know what I'm getting at) I recall being desperate to grow up and be free to do what I want, clearly oblivious to the paradox in this.  As the quote says ‘youth is wasted on the young’ - George Bernard Shaw.  

'how can people stand to worry about bills, mortgage repayments and table top spills?  Society please let me be a little childish and always free'

(a line I remember from something I wrote at the tender age of 17)

It appears I have somehow squeezed myself into those sensible shoes after all, no wonder my feet hurt!