But like the Murphy's I'm not bitter?

There were good times and there were bad times

confusion and delusions

at first perfectly flawed

signs were shown from the beginning

but I refused to give up

full of hope and ideals

drunk on the idea of a unique love

tragically tainted

still I wouldn’t give up

all the battle scars worn for attack and defence

the truth fluctuated

both sides came and went

the well isn’t empty

it was never quite found

between the walls of our senses

tumbling down

open to start with

confessing our sin

but we poisoned each other

and reframed everything

the truth was mistaken and treated as lies

now we stand in this desert

all covered in flies

Standing in the winds of loneliness

This so called depressive realism I battle with has always given me a clarity of thought that is so much more potent than pretty people and pretty pictures can ever be, perhaps it is because although it is forever changing I know it will continue to exist in some sense.  I tend to return to this place when periods of distraction end and the colours that first caught my eye fade into the background, no longer burning brightly through the dark of the night.  I used to think the answer to the question my being embodies existed inside another whose particular hue matched my own, I realise now I have been deluding myself and like I read (and was not ready to accept) a few years ago in 'Women who love too much' I am facing up to being alone in the world, as each of us always has been.  We may kid ourselves for seasons at a time that those artifacts and relics can make us complete when we finally find the missing piece or the perfect partner, sooner or later though we are bound to be forced into seeing the illusion for what it is (the first part of the word even hints at this).  We are complete and whole as we are made and though the perceived void each person houses varies from one to an other, it cannot be filled with anything outside of ourselves.  Only you can answer your own question as I can mine and I think I'm on the right path.  With every illusion comes distraction and there is often fun and happy times so let's get drunk and dance with abandon!

A short poem

swelling veins
sagging necks
thinning skin
ageing wrecks
open tired heavy eyes
autopilot robotified
built to live
but not to last
no synchronisation
now time has passed
'being young is in the mind'
or so they say
but who are 'they'?
and who were 'they'
when 'they' were who?
keep occupied
and stretch those legs
fill up your time
and eat those eggs

personal development is just that - 'personal'

One person's 'shining light' is another's 'crock of shit' - Something I am finally learning to accept.  Reading this article today regarding women being apparently addicted to stress: http://www.uncoveredmagazine.co.uk/news/303-hooked-on-anxiety.html

It was actually the following bit that really rang true for me 'Experts say many women are ‘stress’ junkies and that they learn to please and multi-task at a young age'

Now I couldn't tell you the exact moment I began feeling this drive to please, fix and/or make better but I'm pretty certain I was under ten.  I have an early memory probably from when I was about 9: my Dad was ill in bed (looking back it was clear he had a hangover) and feeling it was up to me to take care of him I set about preparing him a meal (most definitely not what he wanted - I inherited my tendency to have monstrous vomiting hangovers from him) consisting of microwaved jacket potato (which I mashed for some reason) and beans.  Dad asked me to leave the plate on the floor and my cat Tiggy (RIP) ate some of it, the rest I'm assuming went in the bin, Dad unconvincingly told me he ate it and it was delicious.  Anyway, from an early age it is clear I have tended to assume responsibility/guilt for just about everything; other people's moods (I feel compelled to cheer them up), animal cruelty (I have been a veggie since I was fourteen although I know I'm a hypocrite for not being a vegan), this even  extends as far as upsetting events happening in the world; as I child I used to pray every night for all the starving children in Africa and when my Mum uttered those words 'think of all the Ethiopians!' when I struggled to eat my tea, it really got to me.  I stopped watching the news a few years ago because I just couldn't cope with the guilt I felt and it did nothing but bring my mood down with feelings of being hopeless, helpless and worthless.  I have discussed this with friends and with people I work with and have discovered I am not alone in these feelings of guilt and my decision to stop watching the news.  Others have criticised me for my decision telling me that I should be aware of everything that is happening in the world and even though I can understand why they think this it is a personal decision and if it works for me then I think that's okay.  I think I've lost my thread but I'll just keep typing and hope for the best.  Ah that's it, the point I was trying to make:

'If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad' (to quote Sheryl Crow) 
(the next line perhaps applies too but I'll leave that for another day and another rambling session)

Since I can remember I've usually been the one people come to with their troubles and I am almost always happy to help - see that, I associate being happy with helping people so it makes complete sense that when faced with a situation where no matter what I do I just cannot help someone/something (animals too) I feel sad, guilty and ashamed of my impotence in the situation even when it concerns factors which are completely beyond my control.  I have worked closely with people who suffer mental health issues for a good few years now and the way of being I just described is (I feel) a strong motivator in my work (I use the term 'work' loosely because what I do at work is pretty much what I've been doing my entire life).  Of course it has a downside and I do feel terrible when I run into hurdles with people and no matter how many times my colleagues tell me not to beat myself up, I still do.  I have learned to keep going though, 'where there's a will there's a way' and as the title of this states - personal development is personal and through this I am learning a good life lesson: to accept that what works for one person won't necessarily work for someone else.  I suppose in my job I am more objective because there are boundaries and processes that I am used to going through in order to explore and pinpoint what it is that an individual hopes for and how they might like to set about that.  So I guess my point is I am finally realising that all the energy I am using up trying to push elephants up the stairs and dragging horses to water is wasted (well actually it's not because it's taught me this lesson)  and I would be far better off saving it for dancing in the way that 5rhythms taught me.  Like my Dad told me not long ago 'you're practical in the way you think about things so you want to fix people'  People are not like kitchen drawers though they are responsible for themselves and all the glue, tacks and perseverance in the world are never going to change that.  

A mistake that the majority of us make at various points in life

Judging others by our own standards

The following are things that I find difficult to understand in a person because I cannot relate to it:

• intentionally causing harm to animals - this includes things like fishing and other blood sports, actually it goes further than that - I find it difficult to really 'get' someone who doesn't like animals
• cheating on a partner 
• seeing someone in trouble and not reaching out to them - okay I perhaps go too far the other way but to me that is more acceptable.
• a fixation with material gain - I do not understand this as a main motivation, having the best/most expensive/newest thing just doesn't compute in my brain.
• making fun of people or putting them down because of their tastes/beliefs/opinions - obviously it's okay to think it, that is only human but to ridicule someone just is not fair.  There is no 'right'
• Flagrant hypocrisy -  too often 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' is not observed when people are judged by the standards that the one judging thinks they hold true.

I could go on there are probably more things I find difficult to accept in a person - in fact I could be there for hours, I'm not going to though because that would be a time wasting exercise and would possibly result in me feeling like all humans are shit and so am I - anyway moving on.  I admit that I have almost certainly gone against all of the above at points in my life (apart from the cheating on a partner - I just couldn't do that to someone) and will probably do so again but hopefully not too often (I pulled a few snails out of their shells as a toddler because I thought they were slugs in houses - I still feel a little guilty about this).  I am not perfect, I am a hypocrite and so is everybody else, that doesn't make it okay though it just means there is a lot of work to be done.  The way I see it, the best each of us can hope to achieve in life is to be the best version of ourselves that we can be because no one else is going to do it for us.  I am not wise and I know I have more mistakes to make and lessons to learn from.  Perhaps I am guilty of analysing everything to death but then that is part of who I am and has mainly proved to be a useful quality so far.  As much as I have the occasional 'Victor Meldrew' moment I find people both fascinating and invaluable and although like my much missed Nanna (RIP Joyce) I feel immeasurable love for the animal kingdom, I do believe there is a lot of good in people too.