Up and down and up and down and up and up and down and up...

as if butter wouldn't melt... who'd have thought these two between them would urinate on the sofa cusions, two rugs, their own beds and in one of my shoes.  I can never stay mad for long though and the shoe incident was pretty funny. 

Back in March I joined a site called www.moodscope.com, I had been going through a bit of a tough time and decided to take responsibility for myself and do everything I could to make myself feel better and being aware of my mood and all the things that impact on it seemed to me like a good idea.  The site requires you to test your mood - ideally every day at roughly the same time - by looking at 20 playing cards with different states of mind on them and flipping and rotating each one to select the level you are experiencing the feeling at that time.  After you have done all of the cards moodscope calculates your mood percentage for that day and adds the score to a graph, you also have the option of adding a comment to the score; I found this useful to describe how I felt, what I thought may have influenced my mood including activities, what I had been eating, thoughts and whether or not I had been drinking the previous night.  As soon as you have recorded a few days worth of scores, moodscope begins regularly updating your lowest, highest and average mood scores and this along with the graph can help to show any patterns or changes which occur over time.  I decided to look back through the graph for every month since I started using the tool and can see a definite lift in my mood had taken place and although the line goes up and down rather a lot, it generally doesn't go as low as regularly as it had been doing back in March.  I am lucky to have a supportive group of friends around me, family, cats and lots of enjoyable pastimes.  Making the most of time is both a a distraction and a solution.  I would recommend anyone try moodscope out though, oh and I forgot there is another aspect to it that involves inviting a friend to join too and it encourages you to support each other through times of low mood as you can invite them to be your 'moodscope buddy' and check each other's scores.   http://www.moodscope.com/about.php

This is a collage I used as part of my presentation about social inclusion last week

Changes, work, keeping busy with music

It's been a fair few weeks since my last post and I suppose for the past few months I had been making sure I was keeping busy as much as possible and not really doing much relaxing - I've been moved into my new home now for about three and a half months and still haven't really had an evening where I've just cabbaged on the sofa watching TV.  I guess I'm still adjusting to all the changes I have gone through this year and being a tad sensitive it takes me a long time to get used to things.  

Work: I am still thoroughly enjoying my job and feel I have been actually making a difference to some of my clients lives recently, it is good to know that perseverance and dedication do sometimes achieve results, on another note relating to work my team found out not long ago that we are all going to have to go through an interview for our own jobs due to the fact that cuts are being made and there is no longer enough funding to keep all of us in post.  Each of us has to do a 5-10 minute presentation on social inclusion, I have a few ideas about what to do for it but am obviously nervous and worried about what I will do if I am not one of the lucky ones.

Busy bee:

I instigated a new musical project back in June working as a two piece with a guy I've worked with several times throughout the past five or six years.  We began trying out covers of decent popular songs we both liked and have recently been working on our own material which is somewhat more satisfying although playing covers of songs I have loved for years is enjoyable in a different way.  We have about sixteen possible covers we are just about ready to perform publicly and have a gig through in Brampton at 'Off the wall' confirmed for December :-)  I have been busy using my networking skills to  secure more gigs, hopefully sometime in November as December seems an awful long way away. 

Below is a rough slightly tipsy performance of one of our original songs:

A couple of poems inspired by a sunny garden day

This one is not by me, but by none other than Mr Crongus F Shaw:

Once upon a frog day

tadpolly toodling

I saw a fat bumble bee

busily tumbling

one this fine summer day

just past Wimbledon

A miniature river plays

on the gardeny pond

Through many bushes

A birdy birdy chirps

the garden is alive

with chirruping sparrows

The swifts stream past

Screaming arrows

All around us

The bushes tangle

Out of sight

Lies a decrepit mangle

And now my effort:

The greenery spreads

all wild and chaotic

no order apparent

without close inspection

like the beard and mane

of the man who observes

his surroundings

with a keen eye for detail

the garden his mirror

on this July day

if the trees could retort

what would they have to say? 

But like the Murphy's I'm not bitter?

There were good times and there were bad times

confusion and delusions

at first perfectly flawed

signs were shown from the beginning

but I refused to give up

full of hope and ideals

drunk on the idea of a unique love

tragically tainted

still I wouldn’t give up

all the battle scars worn for attack and defence

the truth fluctuated

both sides came and went

the well isn’t empty

it was never quite found

between the walls of our senses

tumbling down

open to start with

confessing our sin

but we poisoned each other

and reframed everything

the truth was mistaken and treated as lies

now we stand in this desert

all covered in flies

Standing in the winds of loneliness

This so called depressive realism I battle with has always given me a clarity of thought that is so much more potent than pretty people and pretty pictures can ever be, perhaps it is because although it is forever changing I know it will continue to exist in some sense.  I tend to return to this place when periods of distraction end and the colours that first caught my eye fade into the background, no longer burning brightly through the dark of the night.  I used to think the answer to the question my being embodies existed inside another whose particular hue matched my own, I realise now I have been deluding myself and like I read (and was not ready to accept) a few years ago in 'Women who love too much' I am facing up to being alone in the world, as each of us always has been.  We may kid ourselves for seasons at a time that those artifacts and relics can make us complete when we finally find the missing piece or the perfect partner, sooner or later though we are bound to be forced into seeing the illusion for what it is (the first part of the word even hints at this).  We are complete and whole as we are made and though the perceived void each person houses varies from one to an other, it cannot be filled with anything outside of ourselves.  Only you can answer your own question as I can mine and I think I'm on the right path.  With every illusion comes distraction and there is often fun and happy times so let's get drunk and dance with abandon!

A short poem

swelling veins
sagging necks
thinning skin
ageing wrecks
open tired heavy eyes
autopilot robotified
built to live
but not to last
no synchronisation
now time has passed
'being young is in the mind'
or so they say
but who are 'they'?
and who were 'they'
when 'they' were who?
keep occupied
and stretch those legs
fill up your time
and eat those eggs

personal development is just that - 'personal'

One person's 'shining light' is another's 'crock of shit' - Something I am finally learning to accept.  Reading this article today regarding women being apparently addicted to stress: http://www.uncoveredmagazine.co.uk/news/303-hooked-on-anxiety.html

It was actually the following bit that really rang true for me 'Experts say many women are ‘stress’ junkies and that they learn to please and multi-task at a young age'

Now I couldn't tell you the exact moment I began feeling this drive to please, fix and/or make better but I'm pretty certain I was under ten.  I have an early memory probably from when I was about 9: my Dad was ill in bed (looking back it was clear he had a hangover) and feeling it was up to me to take care of him I set about preparing him a meal (most definitely not what he wanted - I inherited my tendency to have monstrous vomiting hangovers from him) consisting of microwaved jacket potato (which I mashed for some reason) and beans.  Dad asked me to leave the plate on the floor and my cat Tiggy (RIP) ate some of it, the rest I'm assuming went in the bin, Dad unconvincingly told me he ate it and it was delicious.  Anyway, from an early age it is clear I have tended to assume responsibility/guilt for just about everything; other people's moods (I feel compelled to cheer them up), animal cruelty (I have been a veggie since I was fourteen although I know I'm a hypocrite for not being a vegan), this even  extends as far as upsetting events happening in the world; as I child I used to pray every night for all the starving children in Africa and when my Mum uttered those words 'think of all the Ethiopians!' when I struggled to eat my tea, it really got to me.  I stopped watching the news a few years ago because I just couldn't cope with the guilt I felt and it did nothing but bring my mood down with feelings of being hopeless, helpless and worthless.  I have discussed this with friends and with people I work with and have discovered I am not alone in these feelings of guilt and my decision to stop watching the news.  Others have criticised me for my decision telling me that I should be aware of everything that is happening in the world and even though I can understand why they think this it is a personal decision and if it works for me then I think that's okay.  I think I've lost my thread but I'll just keep typing and hope for the best.  Ah that's it, the point I was trying to make:

'If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad' (to quote Sheryl Crow) 
(the next line perhaps applies too but I'll leave that for another day and another rambling session)

Since I can remember I've usually been the one people come to with their troubles and I am almost always happy to help - see that, I associate being happy with helping people so it makes complete sense that when faced with a situation where no matter what I do I just cannot help someone/something (animals too) I feel sad, guilty and ashamed of my impotence in the situation even when it concerns factors which are completely beyond my control.  I have worked closely with people who suffer mental health issues for a good few years now and the way of being I just described is (I feel) a strong motivator in my work (I use the term 'work' loosely because what I do at work is pretty much what I've been doing my entire life).  Of course it has a downside and I do feel terrible when I run into hurdles with people and no matter how many times my colleagues tell me not to beat myself up, I still do.  I have learned to keep going though, 'where there's a will there's a way' and as the title of this states - personal development is personal and through this I am learning a good life lesson: to accept that what works for one person won't necessarily work for someone else.  I suppose in my job I am more objective because there are boundaries and processes that I am used to going through in order to explore and pinpoint what it is that an individual hopes for and how they might like to set about that.  So I guess my point is I am finally realising that all the energy I am using up trying to push elephants up the stairs and dragging horses to water is wasted (well actually it's not because it's taught me this lesson)  and I would be far better off saving it for dancing in the way that 5rhythms taught me.  Like my Dad told me not long ago 'you're practical in the way you think about things so you want to fix people'  People are not like kitchen drawers though they are responsible for themselves and all the glue, tacks and perseverance in the world are never going to change that.  

A mistake that the majority of us make at various points in life

Judging others by our own standards

The following are things that I find difficult to understand in a person because I cannot relate to it:

• intentionally causing harm to animals - this includes things like fishing and other blood sports, actually it goes further than that - I find it difficult to really 'get' someone who doesn't like animals
• cheating on a partner 
• seeing someone in trouble and not reaching out to them - okay I perhaps go too far the other way but to me that is more acceptable.
• a fixation with material gain - I do not understand this as a main motivation, having the best/most expensive/newest thing just doesn't compute in my brain.
• making fun of people or putting them down because of their tastes/beliefs/opinions - obviously it's okay to think it, that is only human but to ridicule someone just is not fair.  There is no 'right'
• Flagrant hypocrisy -  too often 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' is not observed when people are judged by the standards that the one judging thinks they hold true.

I could go on there are probably more things I find difficult to accept in a person - in fact I could be there for hours, I'm not going to though because that would be a time wasting exercise and would possibly result in me feeling like all humans are shit and so am I - anyway moving on.  I admit that I have almost certainly gone against all of the above at points in my life (apart from the cheating on a partner - I just couldn't do that to someone) and will probably do so again but hopefully not too often (I pulled a few snails out of their shells as a toddler because I thought they were slugs in houses - I still feel a little guilty about this).  I am not perfect, I am a hypocrite and so is everybody else, that doesn't make it okay though it just means there is a lot of work to be done.  The way I see it, the best each of us can hope to achieve in life is to be the best version of ourselves that we can be because no one else is going to do it for us.  I am not wise and I know I have more mistakes to make and lessons to learn from.  Perhaps I am guilty of analysing everything to death but then that is part of who I am and has mainly proved to be a useful quality so far.  As much as I have the occasional 'Victor Meldrew' moment I find people both fascinating and invaluable and although like my much missed Nanna (RIP Joyce) I feel immeasurable love for the animal kingdom, I do believe there is a lot of good in people too.

The therapy of movement - my initial encounter with 5rhythms

Following a text conversation with a friend, she sent me an email regarding a two hour long class taking place at The Purple Lotus - Debz Sladen's rapidly growing project based in Carlisle town centre which specialises in an array of holistic therapies  and mind/body classes  such as Nia dancing, Zumba, Tai chi, and various types of yoga - I scanned the email then let Elaine know I was up for giving the 5rhythms morning session a go (having attended various classes there I had no real reservations about going along).

Saturday arrived and I managed to drag my carcass out of the lovely bed pit, even having enough time to eat a little breakfast (something which is a bit of a novelty for a non morning type like me).  I arrived at 9:45am, 15mins early as advised by a French lady named Marie who introduced herself to me at the Tai chi class on Thursday prior to the class.  The idea of getting there early was to give you time to warm up however upon arriving, catching sight of two or three ladies out of the group already there dancing around on the beautiful shiny wooden floor, I began to feel a bit self conscious and stationed myself at the back of the room.

I noticed a slender lady wearing purple MC Hammer pants who was moving with astonishing grace and flow, unsurprisingly she turned out to be the teacher Rachel (I read about her afterwards on one the websites below and she originally trained in ballet).  Rachel gathered the group together - I think there were between twelve and fourteen of us there in total all ladies with the age range  being late twenties to mid sixties - Rachel spent about ten mins going through what would be happening in the next two hours using what seemed a dramatic combination of movement and words, here are some key points I remember:

• moving with flow
• letting go
• staccato 
• lyrical
• chaos
• breathing into movements
• exploring the space
• using movement to show how we feel
• anger may come out via punching and kicking moves
• it is not unusual for some people to experience crying 
• down on the ground - grounded people
• up in the air - the opposite
• dancing with partners (this worried me the most)

After the briefing Rachel then asked each of us in the circle to introduce ourselves and say a couple of words about how we were feeling at that moment, (this kind of thing always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and I definitely had the fight or flight thing happening as I recalled the episode of Peep show with the 'rainbow dance' class).  Most people seemed pretty open with one girl even admitting she felt 'on the verge of tears but it's a good thing', other words used were 'curious' 'tired' 'excited'  I was honest and told the group that I was 'afraid of making a fool of myself.'  I suspect I wasn't the only one.    

So now was time to begin, Rachel had explained that she facilitates rather than teaches so she started us off exploring the room by walking around in time to the music, we were encouraged to be free with this - (as opposed to walking round the room in a circle) changing direction as and when we felt like it and walking backwards and sideways as well as forwards, then we were advised to focus on our feet - exploring different ways of moving them and using the different parts of them.  The next thing was to move toward a partner/s and to focus on their feet and to observe and perhaps try out movements they were doing.  Rachel guided us through dancing with our knees, hips, shoulders, spines and heads allowing these parts to lead the rest of our bodies in movement; there was time devoted to both dancing alone in the space and moving with partners.  I don't know when or how it happened but I found myself feeling quite free and being drawn toward the floor  with my movements (even though no one else had gone there yet).  I looked around a few times and it seemed as though everyone was really letting go, losing themselves and enjoying the feeling of spontaneous dancing, I mentioned to my friend Elaine while grabbing a quick glass of water at the back, that it didn't look dissimilar to a rave (the difference being that no one was under the influence of disinhibiting chemicals such as MDMA).  Rachel has explained at the beginning that it was similar to that kind of freeing high/trip but drug free and I have to admit I wholeheartedly agree with that.  I slipped back into the dancing with ease and found myself punching and kicking the air for a while, it felt like some anger had risen to the surface and came out via movement.  After this clarity of feeling I found myself overcome with the urge to cry so I moved to the floor again and sobbed for a few minutes.  Not too long after I'd had a cry and got up and back into more what Rachel referred to as 'lyrical movement' we were  asked to get into twos again (I can't remember what Rachel had guided us to do) but the lady who I was paired with and I were mirroring each other and we went from stamping and punching moves to jumping up and down clapping our hands in the air chanting 'yes', I actually felt as though my dancing partner had perceived my emotional state and led me into feeling stronger, more positive and in control.  The rest of the session after this gradually slowed down with the music playing matching this, Rachel then asked us all to reach a still point (most of us were already on the floor by this point) and close out eyes while she guided us into relaxation for about five minute.  After we had all come round and sat in a circle again we were asked as we were at the start to say our names and how we had found the class; everybody there was positive about the experience, some even thanking Rachel and/or the whole group for it.  The girl who had said she was tearful said she felt 'a lot calmer' now, another girl said 'it was quite a journey', one lady explained that 'it was fine even for an introvert as she had thought 5rhythms would be more of an extrovert thing'.  I expressed that I felt 'calmer too and surprised at the emotions such as the anger that had surfaced through the movement, it  felt like psychotherapy through movement'.

I would definitely recommend 5rhythms, admittedly I felt self conscious to begin with but the release I felt throughout the session and afterwards made those few minutes of worry worthwhile, it was an excellent workout too.  I have always enjoyed dancing in the kitchen when no one is watching and 5rhythms felt a bit like that to me.  


'5Rhythms is a movement meditation practice devised by Gabrielle Roth in the 1960s. It draws from many indigenous and world traditions using tenets of shamanistic, ecstatic, mystical and eastern philosophy. It also draws from Gestalt, the human potential movement and transpersonal psychology.^[1] Fundamental to the practice is the idea that everything is energy, and moves in waves, patterns and rhythms. Roth describes the practice as a soul journey, and says that by moving the body, releasing the heart, and freeing the mind, one can connect to the essence of the soul, the source of inspiration in which an individual has unlimited possibility and potential.
5Rhythms is a trademark owned by Gabrielle Roth, and the practice is only taught by certified teachers.'   (taken from Wikipedia)

A short video of 5rhythms with voice over by Gabrielle Roth the founder:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYMdlKWaEEY

You can find out more about 5rhythms here:

http://www.deeperdance.moonfruit.com/#/about-5-rhythms/4530765476

and what other classes and therapies are available at The Purple Lotus here:

http://purplelotus.co.uk/

Putting myself out there - if you don't ask you don't get

As someone who is far from comfortable with self promotion it has taken me a while but finally, at grand the age of 32 I have some paintings in an art gallery; I always thought you had to be known already (or at least bullshit that you were an 'artist') and have always battled with doubt about my own abilities in relation to everything (especially anything I do that is creative), anyway I seem to have found some confidence and courage and it has worked - after all 'if you don't ask you don't (necessarily) get' as the saying goes and I have never asked before.


The two pieces on the right are mine, there will be a third one joining them soon (I managed to chip paint off the corner of the other one whilst carrying them to the gallery so I have since been and retouched it)

                     

http://www.crowngallery.net/artists/5-artists/72-julia-leyland.html

I have also been pretty productive with creating fabric designs this year, googling 'print your own fabric design' (or whatever I typed late one night) led me to http://www.spoonflower.com/ and I feel I am on the way to realising a dream I have had for a long long time.  The first set of test swatches arrived the other day (after what felt like a very long wait indeed) and I am rather pleased with the results.

               

I have also had a go at painting in a slightly different direction to my usual, inspired by an upcoming spoonflower weekly fabric design contest 'imaginary animals' - see the little creature with the pine cone body peeking out through the other worldly flowers/trees

   

Delicious broccoli soup

I love making soup and this broccoli concoction is in my opinion the best one I have come up with so far.  I've never been one for using measurements (a skill/quirk I picked up from my Nanna) so the quantities are approximations.

Ingredients

Salted butter

1 onion – finely chopped

2 cloves of garlic – crushed

A couple of sticks celery - chopped

A large carrot – diced

1 medium sized potato – diced

Broccoli – broken into large segments

A few fresh tomatoes – I prefer a mix of a few baby plum and a couple of medium vine ripened

A squeeze of tomato puree

1 litre vegetable stock

Mature cheddar – grated (as much or as little as you like)

Crème fraiche

Sage – a little bit

Cayenne pepper – a tiny bit

Salt – to taste

Black pepper – to taste

Method

• Melt the butter in a large pan, add onion and garlic and soften on a medium heat
• Add carrot and celery, cover pan and sweat off on a low heat for 10minutes
• Remove lid and add broccoli, tomatoes and potato and pour over stock
• Add the tomato puree and other seasoning and stir in
• Bring to the boil then reduce the heat, replace lid and simmer until the vegetables are softened and cooked through.
• Remove from heat and leave to cool for 10 mins
• Using a potato masher, break up the mixture until there are few lumps
• Blend the mixture
• Add the grated cheese, stir in then blend again
• Add crème fraiche to taste and blend for a third time.
• Serve with crusty bread or as it is.

limbo¹

n pl -bos

1. (Christian Religious Writings / Theology) (often capital) Christianity the supposed abode of infants dying without baptism and the just who died before Christ

2. an imaginary place for lost, forgotten, or unwanted persons or things

3. an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes in limbo

4. a prison or confinement

[from Medieval Latin in limbo on the border (of hell)]

A feeling that comes every so often

melting and blending into air

anger has flown and now comes despair

I watch the sky as time goes by

the freedom of the birds that fly

I feel warmed by the sunset

and crave to be there

soothed by the light

I let go of my fight

I look at the sunset and want to be there

A long overdue painting phase

I actually started this one last summer, spent a few hours on it last weekend then finally decided it was finished last night after adding the dotty detail.

I did this group of four from start to finish in about four and a half hours (the benefit of using acrylic although I prefer to use oil too), usually I pencil draw the outlines before as a guide but I couldn't be bothered to ratch one out so did without and let the pattern emerge as I painted.  Unsure which way up they should go.

Remembering old lyrics

I wrote these about 6 or 7 years ago, the first few lines (and some of the latter ones) were loosely inspired by a friend, then went off on a twisted tangent and created (I think) quite an interesting character.  The song is recorded on cassette somewhere and is pretty jolly sounding, I reckon I will re-work it and perhaps further develop the character.

Eyes of jade and teeth of gold

memories that stay untold

and you seem old

but you're not old

secrets that you keep

and melodies run deep

we never really know if you're joking

or seriously taking the piss

have you been touched by genius?

or is there something amiss? 

open shirted you're perverted

you converted was it worth it?

was she dirty, really dirty?

symphonies of lies

your glamorous disguise

and we'll never really know if you meant it

if life was a game in your mind

creating a vacuous intensity

was simply a way to unwind 

Two lines

There are two lines that is certain

I know where the first one is in relation to the notion of time

'from the moment you are born you are dying'

my mother told me as a young child

(no wonder I have pessimistic tendencies)

it is true in a sense though perhaps not the most sensible thing to say to someone at such an impressionable age.

Anyway, negativity aside - hidden under long forgotten toys in the bottom of the toy box in the house I still mythologise in waking life as well as dreams.  I haven't lived there for over twenty years but it seems some part of me never actually left.  I'm not getting to the point still, always meandering, forever losing my thread and lord knows where the needle is (hiding with the rats in amongst the bails?).  We are all going in the same direction just like Damien Hirst's dead shark in formaldehyde, all swimming towards that line, where we are in relation to the two lines remains a mystery, until we reach that second line.  Like undulating clusters of cells we are merely moving forward through time and space whether that be aimlessly drifting, racing along at high speed or in between.  Paths are followed, choices are made, some of us endlessly fight to control and some of us don't, we all experience things that are good and bad, each of us changes and grows in relation to all of this even if we don't realise or show it outwardly.  It is part of the human experience to think about that second line, and indeed what happens next, whether there is a third, a fourth, could it be infinite?  Like when you connect a camcorder to a television and film the screen.  Watching Being Human is reassuring - even though I know it is just a TV programme, I like the way they tackle the fundamental issues and kidding myself that it is right even though it is momentary and on a surface level makes me smile.  

flavours of ice cream

A song I wrote at the end of last year with a little help from a French friend who translated for me (my French is only basic so an expert was required).

Another interpretation of a song by another - Jealous guy

I played a similar version of this at a John Lennon tribute night in December last year so I thought why not record it live at home and share.  I originally rehearsed the song to involve more strumming of guitar than this however nerves got to my fingers on the night of the performance resulting in it being a somewhat sparser affair, this turned out to be a happy accident hence this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIkmfgGpOrM

Another melancholy new year

So we sat there sipping our mediocre chocolate drinks

a comfortable silence due to mutual fatigue, disillusion, blankness...

I notice all the cakes and other sweet sugary 'delights' lined up neatly in the glass cabinet

'what a waste, no one will buy all of those, this town is not the place for an Americanised chain like this'  I think to myself.  'what a negative bastard I am today, and  now I am feeling pity for the woman behind the counter who is painstakingly slicing a cheesecake into segments; heating the knife in hot water for a minute or so, wiping away excess water with a standard disposable blue cloth then placing the blade in the correct position before pressing down hard making sure she has sliced all the way through, wiping the knife and repeating the entire process.  She has a soundtrack to her task and she sings along occasionally - 'he aint heavy he's my brother'  Just then the company I am with cuts through my focus on the cake slicing and comments on the song with regard to the lyric 'he aint in heaven he's my brother'  I explain to him what the lyrics actually are then concur that had the line actually been what he thought it was, it would indeed be a pretty negative song, pondering that it could almost be suggested that the brother is 'down there' rather than in heaven, we both chuckle slightly then return to our separate silent bubbles.  Perhaps the lady slicing the cake enjoys her job and her boss is a joy to work with, perhaps she never wonders what the point of it all is, perhaps spending her days serving mass produced coffee and cakes to the public who most likely cannot afford it is enough for her.  Maybe I am the fool for endlessly thinking and questioning and never feeling satisfied with anything.  If only I could spend a few months of the year in hibernation, sleep is my salvation and the only place I ever really want to be, so much more than a verb I use to recharge my dying batteries.  In dreams mistakes don't matter, self doubt melts away and anything is possible.