Continuing the theme (cells, patterns, circles, contrasting colours):

Puff the magic dragon - growing up and coming down

I have almost always been an under achiever, sometimes I wonder if I actually gave it my all if I could truly excel at something?  Statistically I am pretty average but in reality I’ve never been quite 'average' enough to fit in – my undesirable colouring, clumsy gait, and tendency to daydream made any desire to do this practically impossible and the deeply sensitive nature - I just couldn't seem to hide - from an early age didn’t help matters.  I suppose that my craving to ‘fit in’ stemmed from the desire to be left alone more than anything, it’s not that I wanted to be just like everybody else at all in fact I think that even in my most tortured of times I was painfully aware that it is these so called 'differences' that made me who I was (and still am).  If you watch a toddler as they explore the world you can witness the sheer delight they take in just being and their complete lack of inhibition, this brings a little sadness to my heart because I know it is that lack of inhibition and awareness that enables us to truly be ourselves.  It is no surprise that so many of us turn to alcohol and other substances to help us forget ourselves and all our hang-ups, if you’ve ever gone out and stayed sober with a group of people who are getting drunk you will no doubt have noticed the striking similarity they have to small children at the end of the evening.  We cannot remain drunk or otherwise forever though just like every child must grow up at some point, adolescence is the biggest come-down and I'm not sure anyone ever truly gets over it - how many so called grown-ups told you 'your school days are the best days' and other similar things? (okay perhaps school days is not the best example but you know what I'm getting at) I recall being desperate to grow up and be free to do what I want, clearly oblivious to the paradox in this.  As the quote says ‘youth is wasted on the young’ - George Bernard Shaw.  

'how can people stand to worry about bills, mortgage repayments and table top spills?  Society please let me be a little childish and always free'

(a line I remember from something I wrote at the tender age of 17)

It appears I have somehow squeezed myself into those sensible shoes after all, no wonder my feet hurt!

Pet shop boys cover

I decided I would do this a good while ago but only worked up to it today, the first video of me singing I have uploaded in years and the first ever where I attempt to play guitar (to sing without it to hide behind would be far too scary), anyway enough rambling.

                                              

After the lull...

Well it's been a while so I suppose I should update or something.  September with her shortening nights and grey skies has had me all unmotivated and lethargic, I've been wanting to get on and get stuff done but somehow have ended up watching vast amounts of crap on TV instead.  In amongst all of that I have been busy with ebaying in an attempt to save some cash rather than spending it, also I've been to probably the best wedding I have ever been to (the hen do was excellent too - kids party games in a drunken state = much fun).   

Yesterday I finally got round to tackling the painting I started a few weeks ago - I got disheartened with it (and painting in general) after I made a bad choice of colours which were pretty sickly.  I am building up a series incorporating a theme I have been working on sporadically for several years and I hope to perhaps exhibit when I am happy enough with the collection.  Jonny and I are off on holiday soon and I couldn't feel more ready for a break from work and a decent amount of sunlight, I'm thinking that it might be worth buying a light box too as each and every September I notice a drop in my energy levels and mood which seems to hang around until spring.  I used to think it was just the old 'come-down' feeling from childhood and dreading the new term beginning and having to get up early after getting used to lying in.

This gives me shivers

As the weekend draws to a close

   I am awash with that strange dejected feeling I have experienced on Sundays since the days I would sit watching 'Last of the summer wine', The antiques roadshow (or 'junk for old gits' as my dad calls it) and 'The clothes show' (presented by Selina Scott then Caryn Franklyn if my memory serves me well) with the parentals as a child.  I don't like mondays - not in a 'I'm gonna shoo oo oo oot.....the whole day down' way, I just find them like a bit of a no man's land that connects the weekend to the working week - I'm never quite there and from what I can gather, neither is anyone else.  I expect if I were to get out of my cosy pit at 8am on a sunday I mightn't feel quite so blank but fuck that, I love my lie-ins and treasure the late nights I am able to have at the weekend so I think I'll stick to being blank on a monday and just look forward to tuesday when I can feel half human again.

   The weekend hasn't been a total waste;

-Jonny and I watched 'Dancer in the dark' on friday night, (a film I had been avoiding watching since not long after it came out on DVD and a friend told me about it and how devastatingly sad it was). Lars Von Trier (known by us for controversial film 'The idiots') directed it and like 'Anti-christ' there were elements of the dogme 95 ethos still very present (such as the hand held camera method of filming).  Dancer in the dark could not have been more different though, I don't think I have felt so moved or upset by a film in all of my life, it truly is a masterpiece and Bjork was phenomenal in it.  I would recommend Dancer in the dark to everyone although I don't think I could bring myself to watch it again, holding back tears was futile and the pain in my gut was terrible.

-On a more mundane note, I put a few more things on ebay and this time managed not to cave in and buy anything else.

-I have started another painting and so far it is looking ok. 

nostalgia